But Mom, All the Cool Kids are Twating.....

I love my friends. They are funny. They give me hilarious stuff to post about, they (sometimes) keep me in line, and they (usually) don't take any of my shit seriously. Did I mention I have like three friends. I know it's tragic! Something about being abrasive and too forthwith.... but I think those are my star qualities!

Anyway I was emailing my friend about my blog, and because I've decided I'm a super serious blogger now (with my following of 4, thank you), that I should also get a twitter. I kid you not, this is her response. I may have edited it, slightly.

(no subject)

7 messages

SB Wed, Aug 10, 2011 at 5:37 PM

To: RPM

So this is what I was going to write you earlier but couldn't over work e mail. [because that's how we roll]

It recently came to my attention that [you] is [I could have changed this to are, but the idea of her possibly saying this how it was written is just to funny] on Twitter. And by came to my attention I mean [you] e mailed me to say

"I'm thinking about joining Twitter."

and when I wrote back "NOOO!!!"

[your] response was

"Too late."

(Rude? YES!) [umm hello, do you not know me]

It's so trendy, it's so mindless, it's so not us. [hey I can be hip and trendy when I want to, I swear I don't live under a rock] This has literally kept me up at night. [What, little old me] OK more like I was up worrying about other BS and then I suddenly remember, OH Shit B's on fucking Twitter. [That's right bitches, run and hide. Snark you --> another phrase added to the lexicon. It's like a less intense fuck you. And yes, I am going to make this happen]

So last night, when tossing and turning it suddenly came to me, it's OK that B is on Twitter,because it gives me freedom to say twat all I want. [I live to serve]

Like

"hey check out B on Twitter, last night she twatted the funniest thing."

OR

"B's on Twitter twatting away as we speak."

OR

"Did you catch that twat B had yesterday?"

So as long as you don't twat about your twat, I've decided to be ok with it [gee thanks, but it's not that kind of twitter account, or blog... but it could be....or not *shudder*]

******************************************************************************

I may have laughed on and off for 20 minutes about how many times she used the word twat (which she stole from me, RUDE) in her email. I may secretly love this shit. (Shhh... don't tell). I also really like Twitter. It may not give me the forum to get on my soap box, but I can be a little mouthy anyway. 140 characters to express a mood, a statement, a whatever, well that's like brilliant bob damn Hemingway shit. And I love me some Hemingway.

So I say if you're all jumping off the bridge I'm going too! What have you done that was so trendy and hip you're embarrassed to talk about it. C'mon, I promise not to point and laugh, just the laughing... only. We're all friends here, share.

Extreme Couponing is for Losers

I HATE extreme couponing. Fuck you TLC and your fucking shitted up show.

YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME you cock sucking one armed whore.

(Deep inhale)

Now that I got that off my chest. I'm pretty sure extreme couponing is for losers. Imagine my utter and child like delight when the phubster and I watched 6 hours worth of Extreme Couponing on TLC. We both exclaimed with glee in complete and total amazement over the savings people were coming up with, and agreed that it is completely normal to have 177 boxes of couscous if they're free. Greedily I lusted after other women's stock piles that overflowed their pantries, spare rooms and garages. I want a fucking stock pile too.

One woman even proudly proclaimed that her stock pile was like family to her and she'd be devastated if something happened to it. Dear Lord please let me taste that devastation.

So I devised a plan. A plan for total coupon domination. I got a notebook, I got coupons and I got busy with the scissors. I did my homework too, looked up some sites about couponing (those ho's lied too), found some good deals, and decided it was time to get my coupon on.

Three stores, two sales, and six coupons later = EPIC COUPON FAIL.

First of all coupon policies are fucking ridiculous. You can't stack this, or double that, or you have to buy 12 of these to get two dollars off next time. F.U.C.K that shit.

Secondly, where the fuck do these bitches on TLC do their damn shopping. There are no great, amazing get shit for free sales out here. Nope, not a fucking one. Which leads me to believe that there are none and that TLC secretly foots the bill for these outrageous "coupon" trips.

Thirdly, it's a lot of fucking work. It's like a second job to keep up with all the coupons, clip them, the store sales, getting the store ads, taking inventory of your coupons doing the math on the savings, you either need to be a damn idiot savant or have a bob damn higher degree to figure all of this cocked up shite out.

Even the phubster said (and I quote), "fuck the coupons."

In the end I saved $6.00. Which I guess is better than nothing. But considering the fact that I probably need to have surgery for the carpal tunnel I got while cutting out the coupons I think I still come up short.

Hence- this is how I derived that extreme couponing is for losers.

Only losers need 170 boxes of bob damn couscous, and 79 cans of motherfucking cat food. Fuck that, "free." What they don't tell you is that to get to that "free" part you basically have to spend as much as you save. So in the end it isn't free. You just come up even. Free is best when it is absolutely free. Not when you break even. Fuck that shit. And only losers have enough time on their hands to cut out and track all these damn things. Don't be fooled by the shit on the show, "I work full time, and I coupon, and I'm sane." FUCK THAT. Fucking meth crack heads that don't go to fucking sleep. It's the only way you could keep track of this shit.

And by the way when you start stockpiling things, well there's another term for it, and it's call HOARDING.... your "collection" will fucking eat your house, ruin your family, start a rodent and insect infestation and DESTROY you.

I'm just saying.

Damn you TV for bursting my couponing bubble. And screw you, you coupon loving losers.

I'm going back to my charge cards, and scoffing at crazy coupon ladies in the store.

FUCK YOU TOO, and good day.

(Editor's Note: No couponers where harmed during the making of this post, and I suppose if you're willing to invest the time and energy you could really save a lot of money, but then you have to ask yourself how much is your time worth, bet you come up short, loser.)

You Should Probably Never Blog About Your Friends

Ok, so I'm pretty sure that you should never blog about your friends. At least not your sensitive friends. And as I type these words and my friend reads them she's going to light up my inbox and my facebook with hate mail.

Bring IT.

Actually I really like this friend. I think she's the bees mother fucking knees. She's funny, she's sassy, and she doesn't take shit from no one (well almost no one............ahem). She's the first to put you in place and the first to reach out and support you through whatever. She's a cool chick, and she hates that I put our text convo, which again for the RECORD I took way out of context, in my last post. She says she looks like a moron.

I beg to differ. Ahem, (counting in my head before I say something wildly in appropriate). Dear friend you're no moron at all. How you could construe ten seconds of reading time against the 2-3 minutes it takes to read an entire post about how I fell over nothing, and you think you come out looking like a moron is beyond me.

There that's all I have to say about that. This fucking topic is now CLOSED the fuck down. Thank you.

Moving on-->

Said friend also has a sister. A wonderfully witty and quirky individual who I love and miss dearly. Oh sister why did you leave me? Is it because I vomited brownie bits all over your toilet and then you got it on your hand when you went to the bathroom the next morning? Is it because I got so drunk that I knocked over a red jello shot with my boob and it landed on the carpet and you had to bust out your spot bot to clean that shit up? It it because your dog hates Asian people and tried to swallow my fingers and toes whole? If you've answered "yes" to any of the above I am really fucking sorry, especially for the vomit part.

You see dear sister I was doing fine until I realized that while standing still I was swaying out of control. This may have been the signal to stop drinking... sigh... but since I'm a moron (did you read that friend) I may have had another two drinks.

Thank you for getting me a glass of water while I was projectile vomiting, and while strangely enough you were brushing your teeth (I think, things are still hazy). Thank you again for not killing me when the girls knocked over a jello shot, and for not letting your dog eat me. I promise to not ever barf in your toilet again.

Actually I promise to never drink that much again because truth be told I had a hangover FOR DAYS........... and dear friend you're right I'm definitely not in my early 20's and able to binge drink any more... so sad, now how am I going to diet...... just kidding!

Shit and fuck man. That was a crazy fucking night. Where I wore khaki and stripes, talked way too much, gave away wayyyyyy tooo much personal information and ended it with my face in the toilet. I may have also crawled out of the bathroom on my hands and knees and barely made it said friend's bed.... but that's a story for a different time..........

Which is why you should never blog about your friends bitches, because it only brings up embarrassing stories about yourself, shit.

I'm Pretty Sure That

Wait I know, how narcissistic is it to title the post the same title as my blog. VERY. But that's ok because that's how I ROLL...

Yup a bit snarky, sarcastic, narcissitc, a definite potty mouth. You should have SEEN the last post on my other stream of consciousness-not so daring-more of my inner thoughts-private life-ramblings. I think it was just TOO much. I may have offended some people, I may have caused other innocents just to go straight to hell. Ehh...

Either way, I've decided that I need to have an outlet for my other self, the snarky one who keeps all the confidence and sass to herself (that bitch!).

So be forewarned, this is not for the faint of heart, or for those who don't like cussing like a mother fucking sailor.

And to get things started on the right foot, a post about how I practically died last week. I've moved it from my other blog, because that soft ass hooker decided that it was just too much for that space. Shit. She should grow a spine.

Until my next snarky break.............

Screw you, it's Monday.

Much respect and props yo'. (Did I mention that'd I also like to fully explore my hip hop slang and text language options as well.... ttyl.)