Friday, August 26, 2011

The Funny is on Its Way Back, and Peeing Yourself is NEVER Funny

There are some tell tale signs that my funny is on its way back to me. Case in point:

Yesterday, my boss tripped over nothing in his office and fell on his face in front of everyone (I should also mention he has glass walls (seriously) and a glass door, everyone sees everything, all the time. He fell so hard that one of my co-workers came running out of the break room screaming "earthquake!" which caused everyone to erupt into endless bouts of mirth and merriment. Actually, no joke--> it was pretty funny. Fucking shifting air currents, again!

That afternoon a new vendor sent me a video with a tutorial in it about how to use their new service. Not only did the video have some terribly God awful snazzy background music, the entire screen was BLACK, for all three minutes and 34 seconds of pure tutorial gloriousness. I emailed him to tell him about this black problem and he sent me another link, to another completely blank tutorial. I giggled and left it alone.

This morning on my way to work a jogger tried to drink out of his water bottle. He uncapped the bottle, brought it to his mouth and completely missed. He drenched the front of his shirt. He was so surprised by this that he dropped the bottle cap. When he stopped to pick it up he spilled more water all over himself with the open water bottle. By the time the whole ordeal was over with he was practically soaked from the neck down. I also may have giggled and pointed. But you know whatevs....

All these little inconsequential things give me hope that my funny is on its way back. It's been a rough week my darling Snarksters, what can I say. The Little Monster started school, which she loves--> she also barfed all over me last night. I'm pretty sure that school lunch fucked up her delicate stomach. Stupid lunchroom fucktards.

The Crybaby has been practicing his backhand. On my face. Or rather on any one who will get close enough. He thinks it's really funny to slap you, kiss where he hit you, and then slap you again. I've been abused so much this week I can't remember when it all started, and I'm hoping it ends soon. I'm also considering leaving in the middle of the night and changing my name. Forever. I don't know how well this will go over with a 13 month old.

But Snarksters I saved the best and most funny story for last. And if this ain't a sign that my funny is coming back then Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus for sending this moron along. My contact in my right eye was stabbing my eyeball with an invisible shiv over and over again. I pulled over in the nearest parking lot in front of this really nice Doubletree Hotel, used the restroom lobby and got the contact issue situated. As I am walking out to my car, I witness this:

A female and a male laughing as they get out of a Jeep. I think to myself, self what the fuck is so funny over there? Two seconds later a blob of a woman flashes by (I say blob in the most polite way, she was practically running, and I didn't get a good look) holding a GINORMOUS soda cup in her hand.

Female Friend: "Not so fast Tracy, you'll fall!" We can probably assume Tracy is the blob
Male Friend: "Hey, do you have to go the bathroom or something?"
Tracy: "Shut up, you know I do. This is not funny."
Chortles, snickers and snorts of laughter from other friends
Female Friend: "I told you not to drink all of that."
Male Friend: "I told you to pee in the cup."
Tracy: "I'm not going to pee in a ---- ahhhhhhhhhh. Shit."
Friends (and myself) laughing with utter abandonment

Tracy had fallen over the edge of the curb and was in a tangled heap steps away from the hotel door.

Tracy: "Stop laughing, hahahahha, seriously. I'm going to peee!!!!"
Friends: Still laughing and pointing
Female Friend: in between giggles "Are you ok?"
Tracy: "Oh my God. Shut up. Ummm..."
Male Friend: "Can you get up?"
Tracy: "Um no."
Female Friend: geniuniely concerned now "are you hurt?"
Tracy: "No. Uhhh I need to borrow your sweater."
Female friend: "Why?"
Tracy: "Just because, I need it. I told you I was going to peeeee!"
Female Friend: "Wait you just pissed yourself...." breaks into another gale of laughter
Tracy: "This is not funny."
Male Friend: "Shit, I told you to use the cup."
Tracy: "Shut up."
Female Friend: "It's really sort of funny."
Tracy: "You guys suck."
Female friend: "Here's my sweater."

I left at this point, not wanting to seem like a total rude stranger, but I did have a GINORMOUS smile on my face. That whole incident just made my day. Really. In fact it made my week. Like the Irony/Funny/Fuck My Life Gods let me have a little taste of their manna from heaven. I liked it, I sooooooooo liked it.

So lessons learned:
1. Maybe letting your kid eat lunch at school ain't the best of ideas
2. Being in an abusive relationship with a 13 month old is scary, please help me
3. Watching someone pee themselves is ALWAYS funny; peeing yourself is NEVER funny
4. If you have to pee that bad, and you have a cup, use the damn cup

So what funny things did you see this week... please share, or I will break your knee caps with pencils. :)

It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm gonna have me some fun......