Well shit and fuck. I got old and it ain't pretty.
I remember a time when I could drink like it was the fucking prohibition all over again, and wake up with a smile, sans hangover, and go about my day....
Those days are gone. And I miss them.
I'm not really sure why I decided I should drink margaritas last night. Maybe it's because everyone else was doing it. Maybe it's because my closet alcoholic cousin came over, and she always bring booze. It's totally rude if we don't open it and try some. I mean Martha would beat the impolite out of me, right? Right. Maybe it's because the phubster walks around shaking his head by the time I get to the fourth drink.... I'm not really sure of the why... but snarksters can I just say.... I AM FUCKING OLD.
I remember doing a lot of laughing and animated talking last night. I think I also helped my other cousin's daughter write a speech on the importance of history. She read it back to me and it sounded like shit. I tried to read it, but it looked like shit. So I think I'm banned from offering my unsolicited advice. SIGH. I'm usually so helpful. I was in Speech and Debate in High School, so that totally qualifies me. I think I also walked into a wall. I mean generally speaking it's typically the door jams and knobs that like to jump out in front of me for no reason other than to scoff behind my back; but I guess the walls want in on it too now, bastards. After a lot of talking, and me referring to my sister in law as "that cow," and telling a couple of cousins to "shut [their] whore mouths," and my mother in law cutting me off (embarrassing, YES, necessary, PROBABLY) I decided it was time for beddy bye. I was convinced that I would be fine this morning.
I was EPICALLY (a new word) wrong.
This morning I had a headache, and my eyes would literally not.open. My back also hurt for no explainable reason, and I had three bruises on my arm that I have no idea where they or from or how they got there. My entire mouth tasted like tequila, and my legs were stiff, and my joints creaky. As I hobbled out of bed, and stumbled to the bathroom I realized that I am old. I also found a gray hair, which was immediately removed. Add this to the list of I am getting old and it sucks ass.....
GAH.
I remember when I could go on two hours of sleep too.... insomnia how I miss thee.
Things that have gone with age:
1. My memory
2. My body
3. My ability to hold my liquor
4. My tolerance for stupid people
5. My ability to just have one drink.....
6. My tolerance for people who just have one drink....
oh the list goes on................. but why bore you. It's Monday, and I'm hung over, like a Bob Damned teenager who's been sneaking the devil's water out of daddy's liquor cabinet. I think my eyes are blood shot too.
That's it. I gotta keep my boozing to Friday and Saturday....
Lessons Learned:
1. When your cousin shows up with a gallon of Jose Cuervo, that does not mean you should help her drink the gallon.
2. When your MIL cuts you off--> you should cut her back, with a spork.
3. Telling someone to shut their whore mouth is most likely going to end in a fist fight
4. You should never look up quotes about history, and read them when impaired
5. Calling your sister in law a cow might get you booted out of the family.....
6. Learning to hold your liquor and your tongue would be fanfuckingtastic
Soooo... call anyone a cow lately? Find some gray hairs, got creaky joints? Share, because I don't want to be old and alone.................
