Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Have Three Amazing Talents; I Swear You'll be Jealous!

I had a ton of different things I wanted to write about today. I promise they were very funny. But every time I started a post I couldn't get more than two damn sentences in. I suppose I have the dreaded writer's block (kind of like the clap, but more itchy and annoying and definitely above the waistline). That or my brain is totally fried from the accounting reports I put together this morning, and it's not like I had all week to prepare these little assholes either or anything...

Ok, fine I did. But in case you didn't know, one of my very rare and finely honed talents is the art of procrasti-fucking-nation. Yup, I am an expert in this field. So while I knew these reports were due on Thursday I whiled away my time Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday doing absolutely NOTHING.

Wait, I lied. I was pretending to work a little, and I did put up a few highly entertaining posts, and I did email my friend about 100,000 times. In fact I pretty much blame that snarky bitch for leading me down this path of nothingness. Maybe somewhere between our flurried email exchanges I could have started to do the reporting, but no. She sucked me in to her life of intrigue and international mystery and I just COULD.NOT.STAY.AWAY.

Sigh. Life is really, really fucking hard when your friends are so interesting. It's a wonder how I do anything with all the vicarious living I'm doing through them. I suppose if I was paying more attention to my own life I also wouldn't have ordered a blender with the office supplies.

Hmm... what's that...? I ordered a what...

That's right bitches, your read it right the first time. I ordered a blender with the office supplies. We spent enough money to get it free (it was that or a grill set), and so into the basket it went. Also a mini USB drive in the form of a pig was ordered because it was on sale, and because my site director is always running around looking for one these fucking things, and we never have any. So what if you have to pull the head of the pig body to plug it into the computer. No big fucking deal I say. Anyway, after having ordered said items (and there as the normal pens, kleenex, cups, etc) I also failed to get to work early enough to unpackage (fuck yes I just made up my own word hookers) and put them away.

Why does this matter you may be asking yourself.

Well it matters because my fucking supervisor opened it up, my site director saw it, and that left me royally in the shits.

Because she couldn't explain the blender or the decapitated pig, I now have to subject myself to filling out a Purchase Order Form for EVERY BOB* DAMN THING I order. FUCK THAT SHIT YO'.

Well ok, not really. I mean it was totally explainable, and I did not steal any of the office supplies, nor was I intending to (honest!), but I suppose.... I'm on ordering lock down. And pretty much suffered through "what the fuck are you fucking thinking about" looks from my supervisor and the site director all mother fucking day long. It sucked balls.

But I'm back to the dark side, I mean the right side, whatever the fuck side I'm supposed to be on, and back in their good graces. The blender incident of July 2011 is no more. Thank God. In fact being the brilliant bitch I am, I spun the whole "why the fuck would you order a bob damn blender" incident into, now we can make smoothies at the office, and ice coffee drink goodness.

"Zero to hero in no time flat!"

And that my friends is how you turn a total cock up into the best situation ever.

So make that three talents I have...

1. Procrastifuckingnator (like a negotiator but 1bizillion times better)
2. New word inventor (fuck yeah I always wanted to invent shit)
3. Total Cock-up situation fixer (don't hate the player, hate the game yo)

And just like that I realize I've had one of the most productive bob damn weeks ever. Hell to the yes.

Tomorrow's post brought to you by my fanfuckingtastic friend.... I heard that it may involve brownies and vampires....

I also may have laughed out loud and choked on my spit when she started telling me about said post. There's only one word for it: EPIC.

*Bob in place of God--> why should He get all the credit all the time. Shit.