Thursday, August 4, 2011

Extreme Couponing is for Losers

I HATE extreme couponing. Fuck you TLC and your fucking shitted up show.

YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME you cock sucking one armed whore.

(Deep inhale)

Now that I got that off my chest. I'm pretty sure extreme couponing is for losers. Imagine my utter and child like delight when the phubster and I watched 6 hours worth of Extreme Couponing on TLC. We both exclaimed with glee in complete and total amazement over the savings people were coming up with, and agreed that it is completely normal to have 177 boxes of couscous if they're free. Greedily I lusted after other women's stock piles that overflowed their pantries, spare rooms and garages. I want a fucking stock pile too.

One woman even proudly proclaimed that her stock pile was like family to her and she'd be devastated if something happened to it. Dear Lord please let me taste that devastation.

So I devised a plan. A plan for total coupon domination. I got a notebook, I got coupons and I got busy with the scissors. I did my homework too, looked up some sites about couponing (those ho's lied too), found some good deals, and decided it was time to get my coupon on.

Three stores, two sales, and six coupons later = EPIC COUPON FAIL.

First of all coupon policies are fucking ridiculous. You can't stack this, or double that, or you have to buy 12 of these to get two dollars off next time. F.U.C.K that shit.

Secondly, where the fuck do these bitches on TLC do their damn shopping. There are no great, amazing get shit for free sales out here. Nope, not a fucking one. Which leads me to believe that there are none and that TLC secretly foots the bill for these outrageous "coupon" trips.

Thirdly, it's a lot of fucking work. It's like a second job to keep up with all the coupons, clip them, the store sales, getting the store ads, taking inventory of your coupons doing the math on the savings, you either need to be a damn idiot savant or have a bob damn higher degree to figure all of this cocked up shite out.

Even the phubster said (and I quote), "fuck the coupons."

In the end I saved $6.00. Which I guess is better than nothing. But considering the fact that I probably need to have surgery for the carpal tunnel I got while cutting out the coupons I think I still come up short.

Hence- this is how I derived that extreme couponing is for losers.

Only losers need 170 boxes of bob damn couscous, and 79 cans of motherfucking cat food. Fuck that, "free." What they don't tell you is that to get to that "free" part you basically have to spend as much as you save. So in the end it isn't free. You just come up even. Free is best when it is absolutely free. Not when you break even. Fuck that shit. And only losers have enough time on their hands to cut out and track all these damn things. Don't be fooled by the shit on the show, "I work full time, and I coupon, and I'm sane." FUCK THAT. Fucking meth crack heads that don't go to fucking sleep. It's the only way you could keep track of this shit.

And by the way when you start stockpiling things, well there's another term for it, and it's call HOARDING.... your "collection" will fucking eat your house, ruin your family, start a rodent and insect infestation and DESTROY you.

I'm just saying.

Damn you TV for bursting my couponing bubble. And screw you, you coupon loving losers.

I'm going back to my charge cards, and scoffing at crazy coupon ladies in the store.

FUCK YOU TOO, and good day.

(Editor's Note: No couponers where harmed during the making of this post, and I suppose if you're willing to invest the time and energy you could really save a lot of money, but then you have to ask yourself how much is your time worth, bet you come up short, loser.)