Friday, August 5, 2011

The Kid Needs A Damn Cat Bell

Oh readers, friends, comrades, followers and those of you who have been forcibly made to read this blog upon pain of death. You my funny snarksters (add that to my ever growing lexicon of words that I invented) are going to be sorely disappointed today.

My bees knees snarkster friend = EPIC BLOG FAILURE. Due to conflicting schedules she did not write her post as promised and therefore I had to break off our friendship and break her mother fucking knees, with pencils. It was bloody, there was screaming, and she'll never walk again.

Ok, ok I kid. I would never break her knees with pencils, I'd have to use a couple of three ring binders and industrial staplers instead because it's totally more humane to do it that way. But can I just say for the record that I was LOOKING forward to a great POST about Desserts, Vampires and Brownies. Now I must subject my loyal snarksters to more inane ramblings.... I Blame you Ms.VampireS. And thus I have dubbed you forever more in my posts to be referred to as Ms.VampireS. Don't like, don't not do your damn homework for me. (Hmph!)

Actually I'm willing to cut Ms. VampireS a break. She was a bit busy last night, and she did mention she fell asleep while texting me, therefore let it be known that you have earned yourself a stay of execution. And before you feign outrage, did you really think I wouldn't blog about you not getting your post ready for my blog? Think again, just about anything is game for posts...

Along the same lines: how are you, dear snarkster lEfty (and you know who are) going to leave a comment that says "Don't blog about me" and then seriously expect me to not post about you. You walked right into it my dear. I promise to post a good one about the good old days pretty soon. It would probably start something like, "One day in eighth grade...." Please note you've be fore fucking warned.

On an unrelated note, my little monster is sleepwalking.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

Yup that's right snarksters, sleepwalking. The other night the phubster (after a frantic search) found her downstairs on the couch sleeping. No lights were on, and the door to our bedroom was closed (I should mention she sleeps in a toddler bed in our room). She has no recollection of how she got downstairs.


Then last night the little monster got up and paced in front of the bed with her eyes wide open, not blinking and incoherently mumbling. My first thought when I woke up to this sight was, "Oh my Fucking BOB, the Bob Damn RING come to life, and now my soul is going to go straight to hell while this she ghost demon infects me with her evil spawn and I shrivel up with lesions and convulse to death. FUCK ME."

And then after blinking a few times, protected from my see no evil blankets, I peeped my head out again and realized it was just the little monster sleep walking. I got out of bed and gently guided her back to her bed. She didn't get up again, and I did not have one finger or toe sticking out from beneath the sheets just in case there really were demon spawn out to steal my soul.

This morning I relayed the sleep walking story to the phubster.

His one comment, "the kid needs a damn cat bell."

Well played phubby, well fucking played.

Be that as it may, I don't know how appropriate a cat bell is to put on a small child. I think it'll be better to just put up the safety gates and sleep with one eye open. Oh sleep how I miss thee.

In other unrelated news my home girl (I'm in her gang yo) Elizabeth stopped on by and left me a comment to which I secretly (ok not so secretly) swooned to, and then giggled about like a damn school girl. Check out her awesomeness here:

I may have also had a post of mine re-posted (and edited, sigh) here

What can I say snarksters... I am one talented bitch. It's like I was telling Ms. VampireS, I should be writing for SNL or something. I'm pretty sure that my comedic talent is being totally fucking squandered and that my nuggets of wisdom will never get the warm the cockles of main stream America.


And on that note, I'm out yo.

After all it's the fucking weekend and I plan to be sippin on gin and juice, laid back.....

More Snark on Monday...........