Monday, August 8, 2011

I'm Going to Have to Minimize My Guest Posting Rights... Fuck... Just Kidding....

So Snarksters,

Here it is... the aforementioned and highly anticipated post by Ms. VampireS herself. Can I just say that the fact that she DID NOT post about vampires and brownies has pretty much ruined my fucking week. GAH. Anyway.... she does have a point somewhere in all this rambling about life lessons like forgiveness, friendships, blah blah fucking Hallmark blah blah. Ugh. Not to worry though, I've livened up the place with a few strategically placed editor's notes. The editor would be me. Oh SHIZ NITZ, please add that onto the ever growing list of talents I have and that you suck at. I know, I know, you're thinking to yourself, "oh no she din't." And HELL YES, I did.

P.S. I'm one of the biggest fans of Ms. VampireS, and she knows it. She also knows that I'm joking around with her in my most Snarky way. If you take upon yourself to leave her a nasty comment, I will sharpen my fucking pencils, and I will Bob Damn Find You. Did I mention I'm in a gang........

My mom would just die if she knew I was blogging. It’s ok because it’s not my blog and really this is an act of chivalry. (Can girls be chivalrous? Or is that an act saved for the male species?) You see I feel the need to save my BFF from herself [editor's note: I like going down in flames, not saving necessary]. I read these blogs of hers and while I chuckle (ok laugh my ass of in an actual LMAO moment) I can’t help but say oh B darling, why the foul language?? [editor's note: because I fucking love to Bob Damn mother fucking curse. Shit.]

So when given the much coveted offer of a “guest post” I couldn’t help but say “YES! YES… oh god..” So after much ado (and hopefully not about nothing) here it is folks.

Now I know you were all promised brownies and vampires [editor's note: I'm sorely disappointed, I still want my vampire brownies] but I have a new idea. I apologize for anyone who was waiting on baited breathe for that post. Actually no I don't. Get over it. [editor's note: well screw you too]

Moving on...

A few years ago, after a couple days or maybe even weeks of dodging my best friend’s phone calls (no not B) I got quite the nasty gram from him. My response? “Sorry I’ve been really busy.” … if this is the part where you think it went over well, you’re wrong. “Don’t ever say that to me, I always make time for you. I’m busier than anyone I know.” At the time I thought OMG how dramatic! Cry me a river, we’re not dating or anything. But as time passed, and as I got older (and ironically enough, busier) I started to encounter more and more people that just didn’t have time for me. Some of this was just natural growing apart as we matured and to avoid the awkward painful conversation of “I just don’t like you anymore” we both pretended to be too busy to get together…. Letting our relationship dissolve in the ephemeral [editor's note: sometimes Ms. VampireS uses big words. I know, it's ok I don't know what they mean either]. But I digress…

There were others, those hurt more.

Now that I’m older, and less dramatic (shut up! I am I swear [editor's note: um no you're not]) I get way less offended when people don’t have time for me… nope now I just get pissed.
So when today, I had 4 different people (yes all male) tell me “I’m sorry, I’ve just been SUPER busy lately.” (or some variation thereof) you can imagine how fucking pissed off I was. Like really? That’s all you got?

Case 1 – guy I know, that everyone I know can’t fucking stand, who has been giving a million chances and is on his 1 million and 1st chance… in the proverbial king sized dog house. Who, if he really wanted to make up to me big time as promised, would really find some time. And not a lot of time, I mean clearly any girl who forgives you so much, really wouldn’t require too much time. But I guess that’s the point isn’t it, he knows I forgive… (look at me digressing again.)

Case 2 – guy I know, who after finally convincing me to go out with him and acts, well let’s just say quite odd on our 1st date, complete with trying to kiss me and ending up in my ear and then texting me as I drove away to say, “um can we hang tonight?” … um we just hung out… did you mean to call someone else?? “nope you, I meant to call you silly.” Right…. [editor's note: please do not go out with the guy again because I don't want to have to ID you at the morgue. Thanks.]

Case 3 – my GD assistant who actually had the audacity to tell me “I’m too busy, you’re gonna have to do that yourself.” [editor's note: as a "professional assistant" this is unacceptable, and I would tell him to go Fuck himself six ways to Monday]

Case 4 – no, I don’t think B's readers are quite ready for case 4. [editor's note: I'm not ready either]

What the fuck is with telling people you are too busy? There are some people you get “un busy” for, and there are some people you lie to about being “busy” and there are some people (and yes this would be me) [editor's action: big time EYEROLL] that you’re just never too busy for.

The girl who has giving you a million and one chances, the girl whose ear you kiss, the girl who could sink your career… you’re never too busy for that girl.

So my best friend was right. And I was an ass. … is this my penance? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure JC himself would agree I’ve paid my debt to society and deserve once again to be showered in the love and admiration of those around me. … oh well, B loves me [editor's note: sure I do, when I don't want to break your knee caps with pencils].

PS… wanna guess who is the only guy I forgave? Case 1,2 or 3 ?.... yup case 1. Convincing argument? Nope… I just need real mental health treatment [editor's note: agreed, I'll drive you just cuz we're tight like that].