Monday, September 19, 2011

I'm Going to Have to Spank You....

I’m going to go out on a limb here and institute something new, something that I think is going to be pretty fucking awesome (and no, I will not take your comments if you think otherwise, in fact all negative comments can be placed in the black rectangular receptacle under my desk, and for those that are challenged it’s called the fucking trash can.).

Forthwith I bring to you….

Conversational Mondays

Just a little roundup of the tom foolery I heard snippets of this weekend. Things I thought were funny or stupid or both.

Without further ado…

At La Salsa waiting in line for lunch there was a guy and a gal standing in front of me chit chatting, and I practically wanted to barf all over them.

Guy: So, wow hey, that’s a sparkler
Lady: Oh this, (holds up ring finger), it’s nothing really (I’m interjecting here to say this thing was a big as my FREAKING eyeball)
Guy: No, that’s pretty substantial
Lady: Yeah I know, right (giggles) 7.5 carats. I had it appraised.
Guy: How much do you think he (which I’m assuming is the fiancé) spent?
Lady: At the appraisal they said it was worth $27,000.00. But I doubt he spent that much, probably only $17,500.00 or something, he does have that connection.
Guy: Oh yeah, wow, I mean that’s a lot of money (said with a bit of disdain)
Lady: I know right, I mean it’s just like over the top (said all breathy and giggly)
Guy: Well how’d he propose? (trying to sound genuinely interested, but he’s really not)
At this point I just stopped listening because I don’t do vapid well. And I was hungry and cranky, and therefore fighting  the urge to shank the ho with my car keys since valley girl on an empty stomach is really hard to take. Plus I was feeling bad for the poor shmuck with her because it was clear he had a thing for the bimbo. You’re better off buddy, TRUST ME.

In the produce section of Albertson’s, again a guy and lady dressed in scrubs scrounging around the pre-made sandwiches…

Lady: So what you’re saying is the Jerry is filing for bankruptcy?
Guy: And I’m going to fire him.
Lady: But why?
Guy: Because he also hasn’t filed any personal taxes and the IRS already sent me several letters about something else they want to look into regarding him.
Lady: Really?
Guy: Yeah, but I you can’t say anything.
Lady: Oh I won’t. But I mean he has all those properties and the boat, and then he flashes that watch around…
Guy: That doesn’t mean anything.
Lady: But what about Vegas?
Guy: What about it?
Lady: His penthouse in Vegas? (Mother fucker has a penthouse?!)
Guy: You mean the one he embezzeled funds for? (OMG OMG OMG, this is what I was thinking, followed by, he embezzled company funds, the IRS is in on it, FUCK...)
Lady:You’re kidding.
Guy: I wish I was.
Lady: Oh my God.
Guy: That’s what I said.
At this point they started walking away from me and shooting me dirty looks because I suppose when you’re literally two feet behind someone and run and trying not to do the creepy stalker thing of breathing down their backs it’s pretty obvious you’re eavesdropping. But I REALLY am DYING to know more about Jerry and his money problems now….

And my snarksters I have saved the best for last, a gift from me to you…. This is a conversation I had with my 4 year old daughter, the Little Monster…

LM: Shit.
Me: What did you say?!
LM: (without missing a beat) that’s a bad word though. I just wanted you to know, so don’t say it.
Me: (sputtering, wheels spinning thinking of an appropriate disciplinary action) well, umm you’re right. Ok.
LM: (smiles) I love you mommy when you don’t say bad words.
Me: But I didn’t say any bad words.
LM: But sometimes you do.
Me: Yes I do, but I’m a mommy, and you’re a little girl.
LM: Yeah but daddy’s going to spank your butt.
Me: Uhhh… no he’s not.
LM: Yeah he is. You’re going to be in trouble. And then when you say bad words you get your butt spanked.
Me: That’s true, that’s why we don’t say bad words right.
LM: Yeah, but that’s why you’re going to be spank-ted.
Me: Well no, mommies don’t get spanked.
LM: No?
Me: Well… (and at this point if I don’t concede the implied fear of being spanked without actually being spanked will stop being an effective tool, I realize I just have to bite the bullet here). You’re right, I’m going to get spanked.
LM: See I told you. Silly mommy.
Me: Yeah, silly me.
LM: I’m going to tell daddy you said lots of bad words today (evil giggle)
Me: Oh yeah…
LM: Yeah because you do, say a lot…………..
Shit and fuck. She’s right. God Dammit.

And there you are, the greatest conversation snippets of the weekend. Hear anything more interesting… please do tell… and if you’re going to say any bad words, you best prepare for the spanking that comes with it.