I swear to BOB, people should mind their own fucking business, especially when it comes to my damn children.
An open letter to the Nun like Nazi woman in the woman's bathroom at Albertson's.
Dear Nun Nazi. Fuck you. Fuck you and your disparaging glances and disapproving clucking noises. I will gouge your eyes out with hot spoons. Damn you. My gang will you jump you multiple times. Granted, the little monster was having a meltdown that will surely live in infamy, however you should have kept your whore mouth shut.
Yours Truly,
Mrs. Suck IT
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Oh Snarksters, I swear I was about to cut a bitch, but due to a mislaid gang shiv I settled for utter shock and sputtering noises instead..... Here's what happened:
I took the little monster to Albertson's to pick up a few things. Of course we ended up in the toy/paper goods/office supply isle, and of course she wants a $20 Barbie. At first I said, "not today babe," and continued down the aisle. She immediately put super glue on the bottom of her feet and stay planted in front of said Barbie. "But I really want it mommy." I stopped and turned around and said, "no, I don't think so, you already have a lot of toys at home (which she does, in fact anyone want some toys or a new daughter?)." Now she's jumping up and down and begging, and yes, people are staring. I then try to to explain that Barbie is a terrible role model and that you'd see more "real women" working the corner than in Barbie's dream house [ok fine I didn't really say that to a four year old, but I may have implied it]. Of course she is now screaming and crying and mumbling incoherently, "You're a mean mommy and you never get me anything!" Oh HELL no.
Calmly I take her by the hand and practically drag her and her tantrum to the bathroom. I run the cold water, and then I splash some in her face. (I know this is GENIUS right.)
At first little monster sputters and is totally about to go off the deep end when, presto--> just like that she starts laughing (it's a game now) and I have just avoided a nuclear meltdown that would rival Chernobyl, (I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get the Mother of the Year Award just for that little maneuver there, I promise to pass it around for show and tell) until....
NN(Nazi Nun): cough, cough, tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me, maybe I shouldn't say anything [yeah, the fuck you shouldn't] but I just don't think you should be doing that to her."
Me: Why the fuck did that woman just tap me..."Umm what?!"
NN: Backing up slightly-->she must have felt the animosity rolling off in waves..."You know, wetting her in the face. She should choke. [Choke my ass, it's sprinkles of water CUNT] And it's not healthy. [AGAIN, SPRINKLES OF WATER HO BAG] I saw you in the store, [what the hell, you're fucking stalking me, crazy bitch] she's just crying over a toy. It's not worth traumatizing her. [What.... She is going to be traumatized when I cut your neck and you spurt blood all over the place right now]"
Me: Where in the FUCK did I leave the gang shiv....."Umm what?!"I think I may have got that crazy glazed over look at this point. Look, never back an animal, or mom into a corner. You'll get your face torn off.
NN: Backs up some more, and puts one hand on the door...."You know sometimes positive attention gets more results than negative." Smiles smugly and leaves.
Me: What the fuck just happened here.
Little Monster: "What did that lady tell you?"
Me: "Not to buy you a Barbie." Cue the tears and the wailing from Little Monster.
We actually ended up hanging out in the bathroom for another 5 minutes while I got the Little Monster to chill out. And while I contemplated different ways I could fuck a bitch up.
Hello RUDE! Did I ask for your opinion on how to discipline my child? Was I throwing my child around the bathroom and punching her in the face, NO. Was I spanking her repeatedly with wire hangers, NO. Was I even yelling at her while she covered her ears and cowered in fear, HELL FUCKING NO.
SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN.
Here's the deal, DO NOT give unsolicited advice. Unless someone is being physically harmed, or obviously emotionally abused, keep your whore trap SHUT. Roll your eyes, make wild gestures, gossip with your Bob damn friends about the unfit mother you saw at the store, but DO NOT let one syllable out of your ball sucking mouth. Unless you want to lose a finger, an eye, or your entire fucking face. Bob DAMN YOU.
After nearly losing my daughter to Child Protective Services in the Bathroom, I opted for a shopping trip in Nirvana, which is also spelled Target. There my 1 year old son The CryBaby spilled an entire bottle of All Purpose Cleaner down the back of my shorts (a post for another day), some crazy cart woman ran me over to get to the kitchen items, and I stubbed my toe. I even forgot to use some of my carpal tunnel coupons. GAH.
Here's the lessons of the day:
1. If you're going to critique someone, put that shit right back in your dirty pie hole. Or be prepared to die.
2. If you're going to sputter and not say anything the least you can do is shank a ho.
3. After a run in at one store, do not foolishly believe that you can make it better at another.
4. Do not loudly ask your neighbor across the street if she's pregnant, congratulate her and make wild gestures. She's not. Sorry, my bad! (I swear the woman looked 5 months pregnant, at least). [I know, what does this have to do with that, well nothing, but I fucked up, and when I fuck up I retract that shit yo. Also, another example of when to keep your whore mouth shut]
And there you go. A daily dose of snark, from me to you. Has anyone ever said anything to you inappropriately, offered unsolicited advice, critiqued your mad skills, made you see red, and think about all those pre-planned out spots where you could dump a body.....
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